One of the reasons I don’t post as much as I want to on here, is that every time I do- it feels too personal- like I’m giving too much away to an audience that barely registers that I’m there. But today, I’m hurt.
Since 2009, I’ve made it my professional goal to perform. Whatever that means to you. Comedy, drama, stage, screen, voiceover. If I can connect with “you” somehow, tell you a story? I’m a happy guy.
But the thing is, my greatest strength is my greatest weakness. I’m different.
Some of it’s on purpose, mind- but that was simply in reaction to all of the things wrong with me that “Didn’t Fit” already. I have wonky teeth, I have a loud voice, and I sound like a 12 year old.
Time after time after time, I’ve seen roles I know I could knock out of the park go to someone else. And, while you keep the sage advice “You just weren’t right for that project” in the back of your head- deep down I know the truth. If it were a choice between me and someone with no experience, who looked or sounded right- they would take him.
I’ve embraced it, for the most part. I’ve grown out my hair and beard in an attempt to emulate my love of Rock N’ Roll, I’ve embraced that whatever roles I have a shot in are weirdos, potheads, hipsters or man children…
But the sad part is, no matter how hard I try- I don’t think there’s any escaping that for me.
I want so much to be the dramatic actor. The every man. The captain. The detective. I want to be John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis.
But I’m just… me. A high pitched wasp, who only gets considered for comedy- but is told “He’s dis-servicing himself only trying to get those roles”.
And then, to be told I’ve lost a regular gig where I put on a hell of a show every week, tech issues, rain or sickness be damned- because of my HIGH VOICE?!
I’m just freaking over it, gang. I’m over the bullying I received growing up ringing true in my ears. I’m over feeling like garbage for sounding like I am. I’m just tired of being stuck. Being me. I’m tired of never getting anywhere, and I’m tired of being judged by people that don’t even know me.
So, little Jack, back in 2003? You’ve just shaved your eyebrows in an attempt to hide your ugly mug. To be one of them. This doesn’t work. Your teeth are still shit. And worst of all, your voice is a liability in the work you do. You will never feel 100% accepted. You will always be on the fringe, the outskirts, if nothing else because your own mind is a fucking asshole.
I have no answers. I’m just so, so tired…