This past week I have worked every day. Weekends included. Performance, study, assessment, auditions, or children’s entertainment.
Yesterday I spent the morning cleaning and trying to relax after a stressful week, and received a phone call.
The phone call nicely told me that my services were no longer required.
An hour later they had picked up my gear.
After the phone call I had a boost juice and felt so sick I stuck my fingers down my throat and vomited it up just to feel better.
Today they did my final invoices, with a three word response to my effort:
“Thanks for that.”
Today I didn’t go out. I felt sick. I felt beaten, I felt like a rudderless ship.
Today I tried making progress and found my engine was stalling.
Today I tried to find a new agent and was told “We’ll get back to you when we can”.
Today I wanted to throw up the few bites of waffle and strawberries I bought as anything in my stomach felt like poison.
Today I watched what work I could have done fly by as I wrote this message to no one in particular.
Today I drank water as I couldn’t keep down anything else.
Can’t keep down.
Can’t keep up.
Can’t.
Can’t I do anything right?
Can’t I just get started making money doing what I actually want to do? Can’t I be accepted as who I am, not something someone wants me to be? Can’t I be doing what I want?
How long can I keep this up for? When do I just stop trying?
Must try harder.
Hard to try.
Harder to stop.
Can’t keep it down. Won’t shut up.
I wish I could.
I really, really do.
All I can do is try.
Must try harder.
